Oh My
by IceCrystal2
Summary: The alternate version of Sucker Chapter 5. If you haven't read Sucker this may not make sense to you just a heads up. Nallen. Probably doesn't need the M rating, but better safe than sorry.


_A/N Beginning is the same as Sucker Chapter 5 with some happy Nallen feels thrown in at the end. I could have ended Sucker this way, but I felt it just didn't work for me. Sucker is all about the slow burn, but if that's not your thing (or you want to throw me off a roof for taking so long to get to the goods) this is the alternate version of Chapter 5. Thank you for the reviews, I love you all so much!_

She wasn't even aware her feet had taken her away from the scene until a burst of cool air hit her in the face. Nell pushed the bar's backdoor open a little further, escaping into the narrow alleyway. The door slammed shut behind her as the smell of garbage assaulted her nose. The afternoon sun did little to help the fall air in the buildings shadow. Taking deep calming breaths despite the smell, Nell tried to put it all back in perspective. She reminded herself several times quietly that none of them meant it. They cared for her, even if she didn't feel like it right then. Kensi had apologized. The fact Kensi had been jealous at all meant Deeks ramblings weren't shared by their team. She had been on enough group outings with the woman to know some men preferred her. She did not have feelings for Deeks. She never had. The only two she'd ever had problems with feelings toward them, were Eric and Callen.

She'd locked her admiration for Callen away into a neat little box after her first few months, relegating him to fantasy land as a reality would never happen. She found herself wondering if she'd focused on him instead of her somewhat partnership with Eric what situation she'd be in. She concluded after a moment that she wouldn't be working at NCIS anymore if that had been the case. Something she almost wished for right then. Pacing a few steps back and forth, Nell rubbed her forehead while a hand landed on her hip. She wished she hadn't left her jacket inside, but she wasn't ready to go back in to apologies and awkward silences. She was just glad she hadn't worn a dress, her jeans a hundred times warmer. Despite continuing to take deep breaths, she still had trouble getting air into her lungs. Fanning her face after a minute, she desperately tried to stop the anxiety attack she'd not had to deal with since childhood.

"He didn't mean it. She didn't mean it. Eric doesn't know he's doing it." She tried to chant softly to herself, almost feeling like she was lying despite it being the truth. She completely missed the bar's back door opening as she continued to pace.

"They don't see me like that. They don't." She whispered, having clenched her eyes shut against the panic heating her skin. She exhaled deeply, wrapping her arms around her waist, her pacing continuing despite the silent audience she'd gained.

"I can transfer." She reassured herself, the pressure in her chest slowly starting to release. It was still her life. If she wanted to transfer she could. If she wanted to quit NCIS, she could. Eric did not control her, no matter how he made her feel guilty. Kensi and Deeks could think about her whatever they wanted. It did not matter; she was in control of her life.

"Hetty would have something to say about that." Callen spoke behind her, Nell just about jumping out of her skin to turn toward the intruder on her private moment. She barely caught sight of him before the hyperventilating started, the anxiety turning to panic and back again. Nell's eyes widened as she tried to breath, but found herself unable. Callen's eyes narrowed in concern instantly as he stepped to her side. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders as Nell started to shake.

"Woah, easy." He tried to reassure her, but Nell found herself reaching out to support her weight on the brick wall beside them. Nell shook her head, desperately wanting to stop, to pull herself together before he joined the ranks of those doubting and judging her.

"It's not true." Callen's voice dropped softly as he removed his arm to bend to her eye level. He started to rub his hand up and down her unoccupied arm while trying to catch her eye. She did not look at him, afraid she'd see accusation or pity in his eyes.

"I…I don't need to be taken care of." She finally managed to say after a minute, more to reassure herself than alter what he probably thought of her now.

"You don't need to put Eric ahead of yourself either, but you do. Deep breaths, Nell." Callen lightly chided, but Nell almost recoiled. She shook her head, ashamed of herself despite not being in control of it, as several doctors had told her in her youth. She cursed whichever one, since she couldn't remember at that moment, had told her she'd grown out of it. She dealt with high stress situations on a daily basis, and this would be her downfall?! Straightening up, Nell shook him off softer than she'd done Eric, but achieving the same result. Demanding control from herself, Nell tried desperately to put the professional and distanced person she normally was back in place.

"When Deeks sobers up, which ought to be soon since Sam's threatening to teach him about water boarding, you are in for a world class apology." He tried to lighten the mood, backing away from her a few steps she appreciated, her breathing still hitching every third or fourth breath. She found herself nodding, not quite meeting his eye even still.

"Eric's lecture'll wait until after the idiot twins." Callen continued retaking one of the steps he'd given her. Nell leaned against the brick, but with a sigh from a satisfyingly full breath she picked her head up fully.

"I am fully capable of…" She tried to assert, needing to reassure him she was not compromised even if she didn't believe it. They had just started letting her do more; go undercover and it was just a rush she was not ready to give it up because of a drunk Deeks, and jealousy from Kensi and Eric.

"Nell…" He cut her off, his tone telling her all she needed to know. She took another deep breath, relaxing instantly. He did not hold this against her, at least at that moment. She'd worry later, but for now there was nothing except concern staring back at her.

"I am not compromised." She said anyway, feeling a little lighter at the eye roll he gave her that was accompanied by a small twitch of his lips into a smirk.

"No, you're a saint." He countered, Nell managing a small smile of her own at the teasing banter they'd lapsed into, the seriousness slowly leaving her.

"Was it three miracles?" She asked, tilting her head as he took another step toward her, crossing his arms while he shrugged. They stood there a step apart a few long moments, simply looking at each other. Nell reached out first, exactly what he'd been waiting for apparently, when Callen took that last step as her hand reached his shoulder. She exhaled tiredly, rising up to her tiptoes to fully return his sturdy embrace. She could feel the cold clinging to his t-shirt, but she was still warm enough for the both of them, her nerves slowly calming themselves. The guilt, anger, and sheer desperation disappeared from her as he simply held her without wavering. She lowered herself a little at a time until her feet were back on the ground, burying her nose over his heart when he didn't let go.

"Furthest thing from the truth." Callen whispered, almost as if he hadn't intended for her to hear him. She scrunched her eyes a little tighter together, moving her arms from around his neck to his waist, not ready to let go. He was being so comforting she'd almost forgotten what Deeks had said about her…and to him.

"He didn't mean it either." She sighed when her attempt at comforting him in return was met by him pulling away from her. She was glad he didn't pull completely away from her, but she remained barely in his arms when he stopped. Nell looked up to meet his eyes, seeing the emotions not on his face shining there. She was not the only one Deeks owed an apology to. Crass was the nicest word she'd use to describe Deeks bringing up Callen's dead sister. Neither one of them seemed to know what to say then, but they stayed there not wanting to rejoin their team either.

"I should apologize to Eric." She finally relented even though she did not release his waist. She looked to his right at the door barring them from their team before Callen gently pulled her chin back toward him. She blinked, her heart returning to its anxiety attack rhythm at his proximity. She'd grown up with four brothers and sisters in a three bedroom house; needing personal space had never been a top priority since there was none. She wasn't even aware most days that people were supposedly in her personal space, but the way he was leaned over her, she would have been blind not to notice. There was barely three inches between their lips, less than a centimeter between his forehead and hers. If she tilted her head back and rose her chin just a little she could kiss him, and her brain went wild thinking about why, how'd it feel, the consequences, did he know what he was doing, etc.

He seemed to be frozen in place, his eyes having closed to cut off access to his emotions. His hand had fallen to her shoulder, his left arm still around her shoulders while she held his waist. It took her barely a moment to realize he was giving her the choice. A choice she never thought she'd be given at all. She didn't know if this was about comfort, or something more. After all Deeks had just basically ripped apart her physical appearance and drudged up one of the worst pains in Callen's life. It stood to reason he'd try to reassure her she was really attractive, but if that was the case she wasn't sure if she could distance it. She almost asked him outright what this would mean. Was this two people seeking comfort in each other? He was offering her a kiss. Reassurance that she was desirable, that he was there for her and vice versa. They were both adults, a single kiss could mean nothing but comfort, even if she didn't think it would. She had a feeling if she did this it would lead to more and Eric would get hurt. She blinked several times, looking back at the door in a frown. Eric did not control her. She wanted to kiss Callen and had since she first started working there. Tilting her head backward Nell moved slowly, closing her eyes as her lips gently met his.

Testing her balance a little, Nell slid her hands from the small of his back to his hips. When there was a similar gentle return of pressure from him Nell held onto him a little tighter. She knew she should pull away then. She could pull away; give him a smile and a hug before going back inside where her troubles sat. It would be the acceptable thing to do right then. Her self-esteem was definitely feeling better, and the way his muscles relaxed just a little under her hands let her know he felt a little better for the connection too, but she found she couldn't pull away. Like a moth drawn to the flame, she was enjoying this far more than she should. She was running on empty, she'd been through an emotional roller-coaster, but feeling desired and connected to Callen was almost like an energy drink. She'd never need coffee again if he was around and willing.

The warmth of his kiss was startling, first making her lips tingle before a similar effect worked its way down when neither pulled away. The delicious tingle was settling around her spine when Callen tilted his head a little more, pressing his lips more firmly to hers. She returned his request, their once innocent kiss slowly starting to grow less so. Nell blushed, just a little when they somehow ended up French kissing, his hands framing her face. He was intoxicating, and despite knowing what the consequences could be, for once Nell didn't feel like caring. She'd hooked up with men in her life for nothing but physical companionship and she tried to convince herself that was what this was even as Callen backed her up against the wall.

"What are we doing?" Callen asked, pulling away from their kiss first, both gasping for much needed air.

"I don't know." Nell answered instantly, bunching his shirt in her fists.

"Are you drunk?" He asked abruptly as Nell felt herself blush.

"No, you?" She turned the tables on him, the once comforting kiss having taken on a life of its own and neither wanting to stop apparently. He didn't answer her, except to lean down once more to capture her lips. Nell kissed him back the best she was able, moving one hand up to his forearm needing to feel his skin. They stood there several long minutes only breaking apart to breath before one of them would recapture the other. After a particularly heated exchange in which Nell had even dragged his hand off her face to her hip, Callen pulled back an actual step. The sudden distance let in the cold chill moving in with the setting sun, and Nell was not proud of whimpering. Instead of look at him as mortification started to set in on just how forward she'd taken an innocent gesture between friends, she tried to straighten herself using the wall. The brick had most likely already ripped the back of her white blouse but an odd sort of satisfaction that she had a reminder, of what they would both likely act like never happened, made her feel better about it.

When she finally looked up at him, she was amazed to see the desire she herself felt. The hesitation, thoughts of others, and guilt were all there as well. He knew exactly how she felt apparently. They were spiraling out of control, and as much as Nell knew they should stop she couldn't bring herself to want to. She'd admired Callen from day one, and he was one of the most honorable and amazing men she knew. She wanted to be his in the worst way just then. She wanted to feel like the only thing in his world, if only for half an hour. She'd been missing that kind of connection in her life. She wanted the decision. She wanted to be able to choose him, a choice she'd never let herself believe she'd ever have. Even if it was just once and they'd both regret it eventually, she wanted to do something no one would approve of or expect. Something she could safely hold onto with Callen. He would never disrespect her for it, or hold it against her, because it wasn't just her decision. They'd just had their first kiss not ten minutes before and Nell highly doubted they would be kissing again in the future despite her desire to do so. The decision appeared to be made when Callen loomed over her once more. Nell met his eye, knowing neither one would ever talk about this again.

She squealed, laughing despite everything when Callen lifted her swiftly from the ground by the back of her thighs. She wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck as he started to leave a trail of flame inducing kisses down her own. She felt the rough texture of the wall behind her back, but she was far from caring, feeling herself consumed in Callen. She knew she should tell him they needed to go somewhere more private, but she doubted anyone would be coming down the alley. She knew the exact percentage in the back of her head that it was more likely one of their team would come looking for them. It was a sobering thought, but Nell's very nerves were crying out to be listened to after having been ignored because of months enduring Eric's jealously.

"They'll come looking…" She whispered directly into his ear in more of a moan when he shifted his hands to hold her more tightly to him. He groaned in response, knowing she was right but once again neither moved to do anything about it. Instead Nell reached her hand into his back pocket. Coming up with his wallet she fiddled to find what she knew had to be there.

"Not here." He huffed into her neck, putting her back on her feet before taking her hand just as quickly. Nell stumbled as she was pulled onto the street. Callen threw his arm out hurriedly, hailing a cab before turning back to Nell.

"You've got two choices Nell. Stay here. We forget this happened and we do the responsible thing…" He trailed off as an obnoxiously yellow car pulled up in front of them and Callen opened the door.

"Or?" She asked, not needing to at all, but she needed to make sure they were on the same page. She would not put it past Callen to simply take her home, and leave it at that.

"Have breakfast with me." He nodded his head unconsciously, and Nell did not have to be asked twice.


End file.
